As the Month of Friendship continues, today’s post reminds us of our Party for the Girls weekend in February: how restorative that time was, how easy and relaxing it was to be among girlfriends, and how we can’t wait to do it again! Girlfriend time is truly a stress-buster, as our guest blogger Debba Haupert explains.

By Debba Haupert

“I didn’t know how much I needed it until I got home,” shared my friend Colleen last week on our Saturday morning walk.

As our Month of Friendship posts continue, we’d love to remind you to plan those girls nights! We hope you’ll enjoy our contribution to this week’s celebration, below.

By Dawn Bertuca and Tina Bishop

If you’re reading this on one of the Friendship Circle blogs, then having and keeping girlfriends must be important to you. Perhaps you identified the need for new girlfriends in your life, for whatever reason, and now you’re ready to grow some new friendships. Or, you’re already blessed with good girlfriends but you’re looking for ways to renew and reinforce those female friendships. We’re here to help! In nearly five years of writing about the things girlfriends do together, we’ve learned loads about what does and doesn’t work when girlfriends get together.

On one hand, planning a successful girlfriend get-together is simple if you remember that the number-one thing that girlfriends like to do together is…you guessed it…TALK. Women crave connection. We need time to catch up on each other’s lives. We even have a physiological need to huddle together and talk, according to that now-famous UCLA study. On the other hand, it’s easy to get into a bit of a rut when it comes to girlfriend time. “Bunco” and book clubs are great excuses to get together and gab with the girls, but they sometimes turn stale. Girlfriends stop showing up, and eventually the group —and the relationships—fizzle out. So, what are the keys to making sure your girlfriend time stays fresh?

1. Understand quality time. Sandy Sheehy, author of Connecting: The Enduring Power of Women’s Friendships, says girlfriend relationships naturally strengthen if the women spend enough time together, are honest with each other, support each other equally, and each one feels she is getting something from the relationship. Does your usual girls night fit the bill? If your idea of a girls night is balancing a wine glass and a catalog in your lap while a sales representative tries to sell you candles, makeup, jewelry or kitchenware, then you might be missing the point of “quality time.” You need opportunities to truly connect with your girlfriends without the distraction of a sales pitch.

2. Make friendship a priority. If having girlfriends is important to you, make some time for it in your busy schedule. Commit to making two phone calls a week, or extending one invitation a week, or whatever you need to get the results you want. Be consistent and don’t give up. “Put it on the calendar” is our constant refrain when giving advice to women who say they don’t have enough time with their girlfriends. We’ve found that gathering monthly is about the right frequency for most girlfriend groups. Why not designate the third Thursday of the month, for example, as your “official” girlfriend time?

3. Be specific. Instead of simply suggesting to a friend that you want to get together, take the initiative and make a plan. Invite your girlfriend to a specific time and place so she has to respond. Women who are busy and stressed find it much easier to say yes to “spa party at my place, Thursday night at 7″ than “we really should get together sometime.” You can get some simple girlfriend party ideas at GirlfriendCelebrations.com, or just invite the girls to a favorite restaurant on a specific date.

4. Build in meaning. Learning more about each other is vital to strengthening your friendships. So take your girls nights beyond eating, drinking and gossiping. Experiencing something new together (like learning to bellydance, running a 5K, or volunteering at a homeless shelter) is a classic bonding technique. Or, add a brief connecting activity that helps you understand your gal pals better. It doesn’t have to be lengthy, embarrassing, or corny. We purposely include fun and easy connecting activities in nearly ALL of our girls night party plans. It takes a tiny bit of effort, but pays off in stronger friendships—and that’s definitely worth it.

5. Review the evening. After each girls night, take a few minutes to evaluate. You may want to do this on your own, or together via email. How did the girls night go? Did it meet your expectations? Did you get what you wanted out of the evening? What would have improved the experience? What could you do differently next time? Finally, don’t forget to revel in your achievement. You did it! You made your health and well-being a priority by putting your girls nights on the calendar. Happy Month of Friendship!

Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop are Girlfriends-in-Chief at GirlfriendCelebrations.

The Friendship Circle (a network of five organizations committed to celebrating the power of female friendships) is partnering in September for a Month of Friendship. Visit these Friendship Circle websites daily in September for more inspiration and information:

• The Friendship Blog – by psychologist, professor of psychiatry, and author, Dr. Irene S. Levine (The Friendship Doctor), author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving A Breakup with Your Best Friend. Follow Irene on Twitter.
• GirlfriendCelebrations – premier source of girls night ideas on the web. Founded by friends Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop. Girlfriend Celebrations on Facebook and Twitter
• GirlFriendCircles.com - only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas, by Shasta Nelson. OnFacebook and Twitter.
• Girlfriendology.com - online community for women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Created by Debba Haupert. On Facebook and Twitter.
• MWF Seeking BFF - chronicles the author’s search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love, by Rachel Bertsche. Follow Rachel on Twitter.

• Read the rest of this entry »

When it comes to making a new friend, who should make the first move? According to today’s guest blogger, Rachel Bertsche of MWF Seeking BFF, YOU should. As the Month of Friendship continues, Rachel reveals how taking a risk paid off in her search for a new BFF.

By Rachel Bertsche

Today is my turn to blog for The Month of Friendship. For those of you who are new to my search, let me give you the Twitter-ized version: After two years of waiting for a local BFF to emerge in my new hometown of Chicago, I’ve decided to go out there and find her.

On Tuesday, I was reminded of exactly why I’ve been forcing myself to ask out potential friends, despite how desperate it can sometimes feel. I was at my favorite boutique, just a block away from my apartment, looking for a dress to wear to an upcoming rehearsal dinner. Well, that and I’ve been trying to befriend the manager since I moved here.

We’ve become friendly enough in the time that I’ve been frequenting her store. The weekend I went wedding dress shopping, I showed her a picture of my potential gown for an “objective” opinion. She’s told me about planning her sister’s bridal shower. She knows what clothes work best on my body and can perhaps get me a discount on said outfits. She’d most certainly fill my fashionable BFF opening.

For a while, before I threw caution to the wind and started asking every potential BFF to dinner, I was too embarrassed to invite her to hang out. What would I say? “Hello I have no friends! Will you take pity on me?” Uh, no thanks.

But now that I’ve been at this a while, I’ve gotten more comfortable in the art of the asking. Like anything, it gets exponentially easier with practice. And the breezier you are (Remember Monica on Richard’s answering machine? “I’m breezy!” I channel this often…) the less awkward the exchange. I promise!

So I went into the store in the middle of the day on Tuesday, and Manager and I were the only people there. After trying on a few dresses, I bought an adorable little black number.

“So do you work every Tuesday?” I asked her at the register.

“Yup.”

“I was wondering… I work from home on Mondays and Tuesdays, and it can get really quiet and isolating. Would you want to get lunch sometime? It’d be nice to get out of the house for a little.”

Manager was so excited. “I’d love to! I really would.” She went on to tell me that she always meets really great people at the store, but she feels like she has to wait for to other person to make the move. “Otherwise, you could be like ‘why’s the salesgirl asking me to lunch?’ It’s unprofessional.”

This had never occurred to me. She’s all 7-feet-tall and impossibly thin and pretty. The idea that maybe she wanted to be my friend too, that maybe something was holding her back never crossed my mind.

So we exchanged numbers and we’re going to have lunch. It could maybe even become a weekly-ish affair. I have a good feeling about this one.

The small-but-significant exchange was an important reminder of why, when we meet someone with BFF potential, we should just go for it. Everyone wants pals. We’re constantly worried that people will think we’re weird for making the first overture toward friendship, but more often than not the other person is flattered. Thrilled, even.

And there could be a million reasons why she hasn’t tried befriending you. Once Manager explained it to me, it made perfect sense that she’d have professional concerns about trying to befriend a customer. But I never would have thought of it on my own.

So this month, why not resolve to finally say something to the would-be friend you’ve been eyeing in yoga class/the grocery store/the office. What’s the worst that could happen? No, seriously, what?

Written by Rachel Bertsche, MWF Seeking BFF chronicles the author’s search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love. In her engaging daily posts, Bertsche reveals anecdotes from her quest, shares resources for meeting new people, and wonders about modern-day friendship conundrums. MWF Seeking BFF the book will be published by Ballantine in early 2012. Read the rest of this entry »

Girlfriend breakups are “the dirty little secret no one talks about,” according to our girlfriend Irene Levine, author of Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup with Your Best Friend. And she should know. Not only has she written a thoughtful and comforting book on the subject of female friendships, she also expertly answers reader questions about friendship on The Friendship Blog. We are so pleased to feature her post here as we continue our Month of Friendship Series. We believe Irene is truly unique as both an expert and advisor on friendship.

by Irene S. Levine, PhD

Despite the romanticized myth of BFF, the hard truth is that most friendships don’t last forever. In fact, research suggests that when it comes to friendships, there’s a phenomenon somewhat akin to the seven-year itch; half of our friendships change over that time period.

Just like other life-affirming relationships that we treasure—relationships with lovers, husbands, siblings, children, and pets—our closest friendships are imperfect. Friendships are fraught with disappointments and misunderstandings—resulting in some of the highest highs and the lowest lows of our emotional lives.

Remember Anne of Green Gables, the lonely orphan who never had a bosom buddy until she met her neighbor, Diana? Anne instantly realized she had found a soulmate in Diana. But as Anne grew up and her world expanded, the foundation of her once perfect friendship with Diana collapsed, paving the way for the next phase in her life. Given all the transitions that that take place in the lives of women (moving, mating, mothering and managing careers, just to name a few), it’s not surprising that friendships fray. Anne’s story is universal; as people grow and change, their paths diverge. Friends drift apart and even kindred spirits may find themselves circling in different orbits.

The sense of trust, intimacy, energy and connection we feel with a best friend is absolutely exhilarating, but when that friendship begins to erode or drift away, the sense of unease, discomfort, or loss is palpable. So what can you do to mend a broken friendship? Here are some tips for getting over the inevitable bumps:

1. Communicate

There’s a wall of silence between you. She isn’t answering your text messages or voicemails, and is ignoring your Facebook comments. You haven’t seen each other for a week and you used to talk every day. What do you do? Summon up the courage to start a dialogue. If there’s any hope of mending the friendship, you need to find out what’s wrong and resolve it. Sending an email or snail mail (note or card) to your friend, telling her you miss her and want to talk, gives her a chance to respond without being caught off-guard.

2. Apologize

If you know it was you who said or did something wrong—or who didn’t do or say something you should have, own up to the mistake. Apologize sooner rather than later because time has a way of making little problems fester. Of course, if you have a recurrent case of foot-in-the-mouth syndrome, this isn’t going to work.

3. Forgive

Conversely, if you were the one who was wronged and the friendship is important to you, consciously decide to forgive your friend in order to save the friendship. Try to think about what happened from her perspective and accept her apology. If her behavior is consistently ambivalent and unpredictable, forgiveness may not be the right fix.

4. Take a break

You’ve approached your friend to sort out the problem and you’ve been ignored or rebuffed. Perhaps your friend needs more time to get over her anger and disappointment. Propose that you NOT see each other for two weeks or a month. Maybe you need time apart (what I call a friendship sabbatical) to realize how much you mean to each other. On the other hand, you both may breathe a sigh of relief during the trial separation.

5. Downgrade

Maybe your expectations of each other are a mismatch at this time. Perhaps, you need to establish boundaries: Tell her you need more space for yourself and more time with others. Maybe your relationship is based primarily on shared history and your lives have grown too disparate to remain besties. Gradually downgrade to a casual, once-in-a-while friendship. Make the change with grace and respect, leaving the door open for reconnecting in a different way at a different time.

Admittedly, fixing a broken friendship is never easy or simple because the rules of friendships aren’t clear. Compounding the problem, women are often embarrassed or ashamed to talk about friendship problems. If they speak to men, they’re likely to be accused of catfighting. If they speak to other women, opening up about another friend may be seen as a betrayal. As a result, friendship problems often remain the dirty little secret that nobody talks about—except on TheFriendshipBlog.com.

Created by psychologist, author, and professor of psychiatry Dr. Irene S. Levine, TheFriendshipBlog.com is the only authoritative place on the internet for women to anonymously ask and receive advice about their friendship problems and dilemmas. Writing as The Friendship Doctor, Dr. Levine is a regular contributor to The Huffington Post and Psychology Today. Her most recent book, Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend is based on an online survey of more than 1500 women (anonymous, of course).

The Friendship Circle (a network of five organizations committed to celebrating the power of female friendships) is partnering in September for a Month of Friendship. Visit these Friendship Circle websites daily in September for more inspiration and information:

• The Friendship Blog – by psychologist, professor of psychiatry, and author, Dr. Irene S. Levine (The Friendship Doctor), author ofBest Friends Forever: Surviving A Breakup with Your Best Friend. Follow Irene on Twitter.
• GirlfriendCelebrations – premier source of girls night ideas on the web. Founded by friends Dawn Williams Bertuca and Tina VanZant Bishop. Girlfriend Celebrations on Facebook and Twitter
• GirlFriendCircles.com - only online community that matches new friends offline by connecting circles of women in local areas, by Shasta Nelson. On Facebook and Twitter.
• Girlfriendology.com - online community for women based on inspiration, appreciation and celebration of female friendship. Created by Debba Haupert. On Facebook and Twitter.
• MWF Seeking BFF - chronicles the author’s search for a new best friend after moving to a new city for love, by Rachel Bertsche.

Read the rest of this entry »